5:27 p.m. - January 20, 2004

I gotta get this off my chest.

Why am I the ONLY one in the house who is responsible for L0la's meals? the breastfeeding thing is an obvious one, but every single meal that passes her lips is something that I have put together. I like cooking for her, it's fun to watch her taste new things, but that coupled with everything else involving her and the household is just exhausting.

True, I am not "working" outside the house...but school is a huge priority, and once that starts I am afaid I will have a meltdown.

Take tonight for instance, we are completely out of groceries, and I am torn between leaving the baby at home w/ cory or asking cory to go to the store and I will stay home with her. The thing is, I have a hunch that if I leave her here, she'll sleep the whole time I'm gone, and that will give C "his" time to do whatever it is he does when no one is watching. Then I can just picture me at the store struggling with things like bottled water and coupons, etc. But, with my luck, I'll stay home and l0la will give me constant hell. It's situations like these where I simply can't win. I wanted to go to the store together, meaning all 3 of us, but that didn't work out.

Ever since I got up this morning at FIVE A.M. I have been doing nothing else but taking care of my girl. (she's still a little sick). Sometimes I step back and tell myself, "look, this is your child, you love her, she needs you, get over it"., but then there are times when I am trying desperately to rock her to sleep and I've been standing there with weary arms for nearly 30 minutes, and I look down at her beautiful face and her damn eyes are open...and I want to cry. I just feel as though I don't know who I am anymore. All I know is that I am L0la's mommy. That's it. Oh, and cory's wife...but that is even a little shakey right now. Not our marriage, but our relationship. make sense? probably not.

All I am saying is that if I'm not cooking, feeding, rocking, bathing, dressing, changing diapers, picking up toys, administering tyl0nal, doing loads of laundry, trying to keep the house clean, etc., etc., etc., I'm sleeping.(which is rare) And I really need a little me time. But, how? That is the biggest problem of all. How.



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