12:21 p.m. - November 12, 2003

on the way home from my mom's this morning, I had a realization. another one.

I got to thinking that the reason I am hating myself these days is because I am not keeping it real. I have been so ashamed about my academic background, or lack thereof, that I am not keeping it real.

my name is Jen and I am a high school dropout. there, I said it. It's not all bad though. I did go to college for a period of time, but then dropped out again.

I will not explain my reasons, not today. the long and short of it is it damn near takes an Elvis sighting for me to get motivated enough to follow through with something. I have a tenancy to quit alot of the things I start.

so, starting today, I will get serious about going back to school. for my sake and for my daughter. I simply have to accomplish something important, soon. No more putting it off.

Somehow I've managed to land terrific jobs in the past, even without a degree, or a diploma. but I think alot of it had to do with me putting up a great front. not lying, necessarily...just leading people to believe certain things. oh, and I must say, I am a bright person, so I've always been a good employee, except for the couple of jobs I've had where I was so busy slacking off I didn't get much else done.

I learned something today about myself that I never really knew. I'm sure I knew it, just wasn't aware of it. I will never succeed as a happy person until I follow through with all of the things I HAVE to do. I need to complete my education, after that, I think lots of doors will open up. Once the goal (hmm, burdon) of earning my degree is done, I may discover additional things that I can succeed at. Oh my, this is just too deep and intense to write in one diary entry. I need more time to sort through all this stuff.



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