7:22 p.m.
- December 19, 2002
| I don't know what the heck is wrong with me. Normally, I'm not an insecure person. Well, lemme retract that statement, and then I'll say it again. [huh?]...I WAS never insecure, in the past. I was always secure about the way I look, until I met Cory. He wasn't always as in love with me as he is now. In fact, he was a wishy washy freak when we first met. Initially, when we first met, he seemed interested. Although, I wasn't all that interested, not because of who he was/is, but because I had just gotten out of a relationship and I just didn't want to fool with dudes...plus, we met in San Lu1s Obisp0, which is a total college town, and I know how college guys are, even though when we met I was long out of school, my memory is pretty good. He called me the very next day, didn't wait 6 days the way other dudes say you should do, invited me out to a party, I declined. Now, seeing that he did call me the following day, I knew he dug me., no problems. But later on, as we got to know each other, he wasn't crazy about me the way guys had always been in the past., he was standoff-ish, days would go by and he wouldn't call, stupid stuff like that..and when these events took place I already decided that I really liked him, and wanted to hang out more. Anyhow, what I'm trying to say is that it took me well over 2 years to get him to finally make a commitment to us. not that we weren't exclusive the 2 years prior, it's just that he broke up with me twice, and I accepted it, then his ass came back to me, and I took him back. All these things just kind of gave me a complex. I have always had guys giddy [gitty?] over me, not because I'm the hottest chick ever or anything, but because I've always been outgoing, cool, fun and I guess cute. And with C, he's always made me feel not worthy of a guy like him. Not that he meant to do that to me, it's just that he is very very careful before he gets into a relationship, and he's true to himself....and he's brutally honest, just blurted shit out, not realizing the potential hurt he may have caused. So, with years of this sort of behavior towards me, I guess I developed a complex. Because I had a complex, I continued to flirt w/ dudes I worked with etc, just to prove to myself that I was attractive etc. The flirting worked, and I realized that I still had some sex appeal. So, finally, after many years of on again, off again, I'm married to Cory and we are deeply in love. I couldn't ask for a better person .. that's one reason why I stuck it out so long for C..b/c he's well worth it. Now, I think he's fabulous, and he says he thinks I am as well..and his actions point in that direction....but sometimes that insecure little female rears it's ugly head and makes me think crazy thoughts. For example, I feel HORRIBLE when I see a skinny girl on TV...not that I'm fat, necessarily, but I sure as hell am pregnant, and weighing in at 145lbs. Which is the most I've weighed in my entire life..my normal weight is around 125. so when I hear cory say something innocent like "she is hot" or "she has a great body" referring to just anyone, whether it's someone we know or someone on TV I feel fat and undesirable. HOW STUPID IS THAT? I think it's ridiculous, but I can't help it. Perhaps it's got something to do with hormones..not sure. But C is an absolutely GORGEOUS guy, I mean, model material, and I'm quite certain that he's never had to deal with feeling "fat" or "undesirable". ha! I used to think I was hot stuff, but I don't think that so much anymore. Sometimes when I think I look great, I stop and think, what if others think I look fat, or ugly, does that mean I'm looking at myself through rose colored glasses? Stupid stuf like that goes through my head often [as of lately]. I want to be beautiful, and I want others to think I'm beautiful..but WHY is that important to me?? I mean, beauty is only skin deep right? Now, one thing that I tell myself often is "a confident woman/man is a beautiful woman/man"...and I know that is true. B/c certain women I used to work with weren't necessarily knock outs at first, but once I saw how confident they were in themselves, they suddenly became intriguing. Make sense? Where am I going with this? No where really. I just feel dumpy, out of shape, and less that beautiful. And I HATE the way it feels. I must get away from these negetive thoughts, and stop picking apart every little flaw. I mean, this is the body I live in, it's the only one I've got, I should be reveling in it, and loving it...while I'm young, especially. I'll get over it I'm sure. Does anyone else have those feelings?? Do tell. xoxo |
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